


When the Bubble Bursts

by ashkashi



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Coming Out, Friends to Lovers, Insecurity, M/M, MakoHaru Gift Exchange 2018, Questioning, Reluctant Therapist Rin, Social Media Stalking, Tokyo Blues, jealous Haru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-04 19:19:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15153875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashkashi/pseuds/ashkashi
Summary: Tensions in Tokyo come to a head as awkward questions arise. After being confronted with a huge reality check, Haru enlists the help of a perplexed Rin, who is actually pretty good at giving motivational speeches.





	When the Bubble Bursts

**Author's Note:**

> Hello friends! This piece was created for the the MakoHaru Gift Exchange 2018 for @celestsadira, who requested "Rin being exasperated and working to get them (M+H) together romantically."
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

The locker room in the basement of Haruka’s university was humid despite the autumn weather, and smelled pungently of sweat and mildew. It was a larger space than the small changing room back at Iwatobi High School, but felt cramped with the presence of half-naked bodies of rowdy athletes.

Haruka found the corner of a bench off to the side and sat, toweling off the excess water from his hair. The clamor of his teammates dulled, but he was anxious to leave as quickly as possible. Practice was over, he was starving, and he had plans to meet Makoto.

It had been a few months since the year began, and he wasn’t proud to admit it, but he had yet to learn the names of nearly half the students on the swim team. In his defense, it wa a rather large group, nearly quadruple size of the 4-person team he’d been used to for the past couple of years. With Rei and Nagisa completing school back at home, and Makoto attending university across the city, he found it frustratingly hard to socialize. Sometimes, he even wondered if he had the capacity for it.

His teammates had deemed him talented but unapproachable, and while they seemed to respect his swimming, they didn’t really go out of their way speak to him outside of practice. He often wondered if Makoto were on his team if he’d have more friends.

Makoto was invariably helpful in those situations, even if Haruka didn’t always acknowledge that fact about his best friend.

Wiping the condensation that had accumulated on his phone, Haruka checked his messages, finding a new one from the very person he’d been thinking of.

While rarely used in Iwatobi, his phone was proving essential in providing Haru with ways to communicate with Makoto. He opened the message.

_Hey Haru! Just a reminder, my class on Thursdays usually gets out a bit early, so I’ll be waiting for you at the east entrance. I’m excited to try this new place my friend recommended, and I think you’ll like it too! Bring your appetite, and see you soon!_

_So many exclamation points_ , Haru thought, a small smile forming on his face.

Quite suddenly, a high-pitched shriek erupted in the locker-room, disrupting not only Haru’s train of thought, but all other noise. All heads whipped towards the sound, finding the source to be a freshman that may or may not have been named Nakagawa, Haru was unsure.

Nakagawa had a strangely shaped head and a weird sense of humor, but aside from that, Haru didn’t know too much about him. He had mediocre times and swam breaststroke as his specialty.

Taking advantage of the silence, Nakagawa spoke up.

“Guys, guys, listen to this - Mizuno just cashed in his v-card! A freakin’ _god_ among men walks among us!”

The room erupted in a cacophony of cheers that nearly deafened Haru. Boys banged loudly on lockers and stomped their feet in celebration. Hoots and hollers echoed against the tile, creating a racket that could’ve probably been heard from stories above.

Haru looked at the guy next to Nakagawa, who he assumed was Mizuno, as evidenced by the aggrieved expression on his face.

“Ugh, Toshi, I told you that in confidence,” complained Mizuno, hiding his face in his hands. “Oh, God, Yui is going to kill me if she finds out I told you.”

“Aw, what’s the big deal? Almost everyone else has done it, except for...” Nakagawa looked around the room, counting with his gaze. He locked eyes with Haru, and suddenly, Haru felt the air in the room change ominously.

“...Maybe one or two of us.” Nakagawa finished, prompting the rest of the team to look around questioningly.

Haru had a very, very bad feeling.

Nakagawa had opened the floodgates for a proverbial virgin witch hunt, with teammate turning on teammate as questions arose and indignant responses flew back and forth.

Haru quickly finished toweling his hair dry and stuffing his things back into his duffel, hoping he could leave unnoticed as usual. As he stood to leave, however, Nakagawa cleared his throat, loudly, and asked,“Hey, Nanase, what’s your deal, huh? You done it yet?”

Silence reigned once again as twenty-something pairs of eyes fell on Haru, waiting for his reply.

“It’s nobody’s business,” said Haru harshly, confident that this would put an end to the matter.

It was the wrong answer.

A brontide of _Ooohs_ and chuckles reverberated around the room, which seem to agitate Nakagawa, who crossed his arms over his chest.

“So that’s a “no” then?”

“How about you just worry about your times instead of wasting mine?” Haru said.

At this, the team went absolutely wild, the _Ooohs_ becoming louder even as Haru left the room, and Nakagawa fuming behind him.

***

Even though he’d gotten the last word, Haru’s heart was still racing as he grabbed a seat on the train, holding his duffel to his chest. He hadn’t expected to broach this topic now, if ever. He wasn’t sure if he was angry, or just flustered, but his skin felt hot and a sweat prickled at his brow and under his arms.

Virginity wasn’t something they’d talked about on their team at Iwatobi. But this was an entirely different atmosphere - Haru now understood what people meant by “locker room talk.”

Sex, masturbation, everything that teen boys usually couldn’t help but talking about - that stuff was never brought up. The discussions held in the club room were strictly regulated to swimming or innocent activities outside of school. Haru now wondered if that was due to his sake, because of his assumed disinterest in relationships.

Did Nagisa and Rei discuss these things with the new team members? It was hard to imagine, but not impossible.

He thought about Makoto and his new classmates, who Makoto described as “mature” and “diverse”; did they talk about sex? Did it make Makoto as uncomfortable as it made him?

The incident today hadn’t been the first time the topic of sex had been discussed, but usually Haru was in and out quickly enough that he had never had to be part of the discourse. He’d heard some filthy things, but his focus lied primarily on his swimming performance, not what the others did in their free time.

_You done it yet?_

For some reason, the question was still bothering Haru. Nakagawa talked about sex like a homework assignment that everyone but Haru had already turned in.

He didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to some people. Sure, orgasms were fine and all, but the amount of effort it took to achieve one, especially with another person, seems like too much trouble.

Or maybe he was broken - it was a thought that made its way into his head every now and then.

He’d contemplated that possibility before, but it didn’t leave him confused and depressed like it might someone else. It was just who he was.

Finding reassurance in that, Haru finally allowed himself to relax in his seat, choosing to look out the window. The cityscape passed by as he found himself fixating on the endless skyscrapers and the red tones of autumn leaves.

He missed the view of the coastline, and home.

***

Twenty minutes passed more quickly then Haru expected, and before long he was forcing himself out of the now-cramped train compartment, filled with impatient and rude commuters eager to get home. The chill in the air has gotten more intense, and he was glad he’d brought a scarf, otherwise he’d never hear the end of it from Makoto.

Makoto’s school was a short walk away from the station, and the area looked more or less like the district around his own. The streets were crowded with students and young people, and cafes and eateries were located ubiquitously on corners or inside small nooks. Groups of friends chatted in tight circles and couples sat together and enjoyed snacks on public benches. As the university came into view, Haru tried to picture himself in one of these scenarios, The image that formed was too absurd to entertain for long.

He arrived at the east entrance, searching for a tall figure that usually stood a head or two above his coterie. He didn’t have to look for long, spotting Makoto’s large frame, as expected, practically colossal next to the petite silhouettes of three girls.

Haru, not wanting to interrupt their conversation, waited at the gate. He watched Makoto interact with his classmates, trying to glean the subject of their exchange by interpreting his friend’s body language.

Makoto seemed relaxed. He was smiling, but almost in a sheepish fashion, with his eyebrows upturned and a hand scratching his neck. He was replying to a question one of the girls asked.  
The other girls laughed, and Makoto joined them.

If Haruka was a better friend, he’d be laughing right alongside them, but a strange feeling made him clench his fist and bite the inside of his cheek. He realized that he felt frustrated, but he didn’t know why.

As if feeling Haru’s stare, Makoto looked up and caught Haru’s gaze. Seeing Haru’s expression, he seemed a bit surprised. He froze for only a second, before offering Haru a hesitant smile and a small wave.

Haru’s fist unclenched and he unhinged his jaw, returning Makoto’s small wave. However, he kept his expression blank.

Makoto turned his attention back to the girls and seemed to apologize, before letting them know that he had to run. He waved goodbye, and the three of them bid him farewell in unison, almost in harmony.

Makoto jogged up to Haruka, becoming impossibly bigger as he came closer. He wondered if Makoto would ever stop growing.

“Hey Haru, sorry, were you waiting for long?”

_Dummy Makoto, always apologizing for something._

“I’m the one who made you wait,” Haru replied.

Makoto smiled, waving off Haru’s reply. They began walking north, Makoto leading them in the direction of, hopefully, a good place to eat.

“Are you hungry?” asked Makoto. He seemed unperturbed by the weirdness of their greeting, and moved closer to Haru as people milled amongst them, nearly propelling them down the street.

“Mmn.”

“Ah, that’s good. I’m sure practice must’ve worked up an appetite. Did anything interesting happen today?”

Haru briefly wondered if he should bring up the incident in the locker room, before ultimately deciding against it. Seeing as they had never talked about sex together before, Haru didn’t have any idea of how Makoto might react. He might just make things awkward, and that was the last thing he wanted to do after not seeing Makoto for several days.

Not having Makoto constantly within vicinity was unexpectedly harder than he’d imagined it would be. He thought he’d get used to living alone rather quickly, since he’d lived alone in Iwatobi for the better part of two years. What he didn’t realize was that having Makoto right down the stairs wasn’t like living alone at all. He wondered if Makoto was coping well with living on his own. It must’ve been especially difficult to not have his parents and siblings in the next room.

Again, if he were a better friend, he’d know.

“Hey Haru, um, is everything okay? You seem a little, ah, distracted. If you’re tired, we can-”

Realizing that he hadn’t responded to Makoto’s initial question, Haru turned to his friend, interrupting him.

“Sorry, I was just thinking. Nothing out of the ordinary happened.”

“Oh... well, okay.”

Haru was beginning to feel that weirdness seeping into air again, knowing that Makoto could feel it too. He cursed himself - this was the opposite of what he’d wanted to happen.

It kept happening, recently, and Haru couldn’t grasp what was going wrong, what was changing. Nearly every time he and Makoto met up, an incomprehensible feeling of insecurity crept into his thoughts and was expelled through his words and actions.

Maybe he felt like Makoto was outgrowing him, surrounded as he was by mature new friends and a different environment.

Maybe he was -

“It should be on this block, maybe a little further up. Miwa-chan told me it’s kind of hard to spot, so we should pay attentio- ah, there!”

Miwa-chan?

Miwa-chan?

“This way, Haru!” Makoto punctuated this by softly taking Haru’s elbow and steering him toward a recently-opened ramen shop.

Haru’s appetite was suddenly gone, and it had nothing to do with the venue being ramen-based.

Instead, he wanted to know exactly how Makoto could refer to a stranger he'd recently met like a friend he’d known his entire life. Or like a significant other.

But Makoto would’ve told him if he’d started dating, right? Or did that fall under the list of taboo topics that they weren’t allowed to discuss?

Were they even best friends if they couldn’t talk about that?

A crushing epiphany made itself known to Haru: something in their relationship was broken. Something was fundamentally wrong, and he had no idea how to fix it.

Haru’s heart abruptly _ached_ , and for a moment he was sure that it would either beat out of his chest or stop entirely. He’d frozen still outside of the shop, and Makoto hesitated, looking back at him with concern.

“Haru, are you sure you’re okay? You’re worrying me.”

The way Makoto was looking at him reminded him of a painful moment he would've rather left forgotten. He thought back to that night filled with fireworks and fighting. 

He felt guilty, but like he’d been betrayed at the same time. He’d allowed this to happen, yes, but was he really the only one at fault? Did Makoto not trust him to handle these conversations?

Everything was too familiar.

Finding his voice, Haru spoke.

“Makoto, why are we friends?”

Makoto looked stricken, recoiling like Haru had physically hit him.

“Haru,” Makoto whispered. “What are you saying, Haru? Where is this coming from? We’re friends because we’ve always been friends. Because we swim together, because-”

“But we don’t swim together anymore.” Haru knew he was being combative, but he wanted Makoto to answer the question sufficiently. He needed him to, if only to calm the storm raging in his chest.

“Does it matter? Haru, we can always swim together again! We’re friends because we know each other better than we know ourselves! We can tell what the other is thinking! Being in your head is like being in my own.”

“What am I thinking, then, Makoto? Can you tell me?”

Makoto stopped, chest heaving as he frowned at Haru. Then, softly:

“You’re scared.”

Haru looked away. He was relieved that Makoto could tell that much, and annoyed for the same reason. A part of him wished he didn’t need Makoto to tell him what he was feeling.

“Why am I scared?” he asks, the vulnerability unmistakeable in his voice.

Makoto looked at him, surprised. “Do you not know?”

Haru shook his head. “I feel like... things around me just keep changing, and I can’t control it. People are different, this city is different, even you-” he broke off suddenly, voice becoming weak.

“Even me?” Makoto moved slowly toward Haru, like one might approach an easily spooked animal.

Haru felt the building tension slowly dissipate as Makoto moved into his personal space. Ever so tentatively, Makoto’s hand clasped Haru’s, his warm fingers encircling Haru’s cold ones. Haru gasped quietly.

Makoto squeezed his hand gently, a tender look gracing his face. It was the comforting gaze he was used to from Makoto, the one that made him feel like he could blurt out anything without being judged.

Taking an unsteady breath, Haru tried to figure out what to say, and hoped that whatever came out, came out _right_.

“Sometimes I feel like I have no idea who you are, Makoto. Sometimes, I feel like there are sides of you that I don’t see, or that you don’t want to show me. It makes me doubt our friendship,” he confided.

“But then I think, that’s stupid, isn’t it? To feel so insecure after only a few months of being away from Iwatobi?” He let out a derisive laugh, and continued, prompted by Makoto’s understanding eyes.

“There are things I want to ask you, know about you, but I- it’s... hard, and I don’t want...” he trails off, suddenly feeling like he’d been going on forever, not used to speaking so much or for so long.

Makoto didn’t let go of his hand as he spoke. His thumb moved in comforting strokes across Haru’s knuckles. It was a foreign sensation, but Haru found the warmth and repetition soothing.

“Oh, Haru-chan,” Makoto murmured. For once, Haru let the nickname slide. “I should’ve realized how you were feeling sooner. I’m sorry, I’ve been a bad friend, haven’t I?” He pulled Haru into a one-armed hug that was feather-light but fond. Haru let himself be pulled.

Haru felt prickling heat behind his eyes. He closed them tightly before he could embarrass himself. He shook his head.

“No, Makoto. I’ve been the bad friend. Sorry.” He whispered the apology, feeling like it was not enough. He clenched his fist in the fabric of Makoto’s wool coat. He was warm in all the places where they were aligned. Putting more pressure into embrace, Makoto rested his chin on the crown of Haru’s head.

He laughed softly and says, “Haru, you’re already the best friend I could ever ask for!”

Haru knew that Makoto was wrong, but leaned into Makoto’s chest anyway, his temple against Makoto’s collarbone.

They stood like that for a while, completely oblivious to the racing city around them. The temperature had dropped significantly and the sun was climbing down towards the horizon. Their combined form casting a shadow on the pavement that should’ve seemed grotesque but somehow didn’t.

Hare felt relieved but exhausted, physically and emotionally. Not to mention, there was something else keeping him from being fully content.

“I’m really hungry, Makoto.”

Letting out a deeper laugh, Makoto hummed, “I know, me too. Let’s get something to eat, okay?”

Breaking the embrace, Makoto pulled them into the toasty ramen shop, and the chill in the air was promptly shut out.

 ***

The next day, Mizuno approached him on campus outside of the sports center. With yesterday’s locker room incident still fresh in mind, Haru was expecting jibes and perhaps and inappropriate joke or two, but was perplexed when his teammate offered instead, a seemingly sincere apology.

“Toshi can be a jerk sometimes, and I feel stupid for even mentioning ...that to him in the first place. I’m really sorry if he embarrassed you,” said Mizuno, who was wringing his hands together and avoiding eye contact.

“He’s just kinda jealous of how you, because of your swimming, but most of the time he isn’t that bad.”

“I wasn’t embarrassed,” said Haru. “But thanks.” He’s surprised to find he means it.

Thinking this is the end of the conversation, Haru turned to walk away, but Mizuno’s expression cleared and he continued.

“I think you’re really amazing, Nanase-kun, like... really! The whole team does. Your swimming is beautiful,” Mizuno blushed.

Haru had probably heard the sentiment a dozen times from a dozen different people, but it still made him a bit uncomfortable.

“What I’m trying so say is, well, you could totally get a girlfriend, you know? I know a few people I can introduce you to-”

Haru’s expression darkened. “Not interested.”

“Oh, but... you’re actually pretty popular around here, you know?” Mizuno went on, not giving Haru a chance to interject. “Yeah, my girlfriend’s friends talk about you all the time!”

Haru realized he should be flattered, but the idea didn’t sit right with him.

“I’m fine, thanks. I have to go,” He replied a bit too sharply. It was a flimsy lie, but he figured he’d rather be anywhere but in the middle of this conversation.

“Um, well, if you change your mind...” Mizuno’s voice trailed off as Haru began walking away.

“Mm,” was Haru's noncommittal reply.

Haru left campus feeling more drained than practice had ever left him.

***

The weeks passed in a nondescript blur filled with more intense practice sessions, exams, studying, and unfortunately, more absurd attempts by the team to get Haru _laid_.

It seemed like at least once a day one of the swimmers would find Haru after a grueling hour of training and try to convince him that he needed a way to unwind.

“Nanase, come to the bar with us, we’re gonna pick up some girls!” said Satoshi.

“Nanase-kun, I know a girl...” said Ryuichi.

“Nanase, have I got great news for you!” said Takada.

On the bright side, he was beginning to learn some of their names.

It got to the point where Haru would intentionally avoid showering at the school. He started taking roundabout exits in order to steer clear of his teammates. Well intentioned as they might have been, Haru was getting tired of making excuses for bailing on each invitation or proposition.

To make matters worse, he hadn’t been able to see Makoto since their ramen excursion weeks prior. They messaged each other, but half of the texts consisted of cancellations and rain checks because of their hectic schedules.

Makoto’s workload had seemed to double all of a sudden, and Haru was putting everything he had into swimming, enough so that it left him exhausted after each session.

Finally, after about a month, they were allowed a serendipitous respite in which both their free time coincided.

Makoto ended up dragging him to a Korean barbeque spot, and since Haru’s coach required his diet to contain a higher amount of protein, Haru acquiesced easily.

“Mmm, this is so good! Haru, have you tried the chicken?”

They were sitting at a small table with a built-in grill. It was the kind of place where they could cook their meat to the temperature of their preference.

Haru picked up the metal tongs and put a piece of beef on the wire mesh of the grill, feeling satisfied when it sizzled. It was almost like cooking fish.

“I’m glad Miwa-chan told me about this place!”

There was that name again. Haru had almost hoped it wouldn’t come up, but now that it had, he was curious to know more about the nature of her relationship with Makoto. Since their talk last time, Haru had resolved to be more informed about Makoto’s life in general. Steeling himself for any potential awkwardness, Haru forced himself to ask.

“That girl... you talk about her a lot.”

Makoto looked up from his meal at Haru. “Oh, I guess I didn’t realize.”

“Is she your girlfriend?”

Makoto blinked. “Uh, no? She and I are just friends.”

“Oh. Do you like her?”

Makoto seemed to consider him thoughtfully. “Not like that, Haru. We really are just friends.” He laughed a little. “I’m kind of surprised you’re asking me that, actually.”

Haru frowned. “Was it rude?”

“No, but I just thought you knew I was-” Makoto stopped abruptly and his eyes looked a little panicked. “Nevermind,” he said quickly and looked back down at his food. Reaching for his tongs, he put another piece of meat on the grill.

“Knew you were what?”

“It’s nothing, Haru. I was just going to say I wasn’t interested.”

“You’re lying,” Haru accused.

“Haru, can we just.” He exhaled. “Can we just drop it, please.” It wasn’t a question.

Hurt, Haru backed off.

“Yeah, sorry.”

They fell into silence, neither of them eating, just pushing food around on the grill. After what seemed like an eternity, Makoto sighed.

“Haru, you didn’t do anything wrong just now. I just didn’t expect to have this conversation today. I guess I shouldn’t have assumed that just because Rin could tell, that you would be able to as well. I thought it was obvious and that’s why I didn’t say anything.”

Haru was confused. What did Rin have to do with this, and what did he know about Makoto that Haru didn’t? It was ridiculous, but Haru was beginning to feel his stomach twist and tighten. The thought of his two closest friends keeping a secret from him was starting to make him sick.

“Makoto, what are you talking about?”

“Haru, I... jeez, this hard.” Makoto’s hands came up to cover his face, fingers pressing into closed eyes.

Haru waited a minute for Makoto to calm down, and finally, Makoto met his eyes. He looked scared.

“I’m gay, Haru.”

For a few seconds, Haru just stared at the meat that was left burning over the fire. When he looked back at Makoto, Makoto was looking away, expression closed off.

Realizing he hadn’t outwardly reacted, Haru was quick to apologize. “Sorry. I was just... processing. It’s fine, Makoto.”

Makoto exhaled with relief, clutching at spot above his heart. “You scared me for a second there, Haru.”

“You were scared I’d be mad?”

“I didn’t know how you’d react. We never really talk about that stuff.”

Haru was well aware.

“Why did you think I already knew?”

“Well, a big part of me was hoping you did, so we wouldn’t have to talk about it out loud. It’s kind of an awkward conversation to have. Another part of me was scared you wouldn’t care, or that it would make things weird between us. Sorry for not telling you.”

“Does anyone beside Rin know?” Haru asked. He wondered if it really was obvious, and he was just oblivious to that kind of thing.

“I told my parents before moving here. They didn’t seem that surprised,” Makoto laughed. “I’ll probably tell Ran and Ren the next time I’m back in Iwatobi. Oh, and Miwa-chan knows, of course,” Makoto teased, making Haru feel slightly foolish for inquiring about her earlier.

“When did you know for sure?”

It felt foreign to Haru to ask Makoto so many questions in row, but he was surprised by how much he wanted to know, and how willing Makoto was to answer. Now that they’d gotten over the initial hurdle, Makoto seemed happy to share and Haru was pleased to be welcomed into this new echelon of their friendship.

“I’ve known for a few years now. Actually, something that Nao-senpai said to me really helped me figure it out. Once I came to accept it about myself, all of the pieces seemed to fall into place.”

“So, middle school?”

“Mmn.”

“I see. Makoto,” said Haru, feeling warmed by Makoto’s openness, “Thank you for telling me.”

Makoto tilted his head and smiled. “I’m really glad I can talk to you about this, Haru. For a while I felt like I was keeping a part of myself from you,” Makoto became more somber then. “A part that you wouldn’t like. It was really lonely.”

Haru leaned forward, close enough that their knees touched under the table. “There’s not a part of you I couldn’t like.” That sounded weird, so Haru followed up. “A-Anyway, you put up with all the weird things I do. This is nothing, compared to that.”

Makoto chuckled. “I wouldn’t change you for the world, Haru-chan.”

“You can drop the -chan.”

“Sorry, sorry.”

Remembering the food laying neglected on their plates, Haru picked up his chopsticks. Casually, he asked, “So, are there any boys you like?” The meat was dark and crispy, a bit more well-done than he liked.

Makoto grimaced at the question. “Okay, I lied, this is weird.”

“You’re making it weird.”

“Haru!”

“Just pretend I’m Rin.”

Makoto was laughing. “Oh, I’m not going to live this down.”

Haru smiled slightly.

“Anyway, Haru, how have you been? Have you made any friends on your team?”

Now it was Haru’s turn to grimace. “They’re kind of annoying.” He took another bite of beef, becoming used to the taste.

“Oh, why do you say that?” Makoto had gone back to his meal too, and was currently asking through a mouth full of marinated chicken. A bit of sauce clung to the corner of this mouth.

“They keep trying to set me up.”

Makoto seemed puzzled. “Set you up?

“Like, with someone.” Haru punctuated this by rolling his eyes to show that he wasn’t a fan of the idea.

Makoto’s eyes widened. “Oh! Like on a date. Well, I’m guessing you’re probably not interested.”

“I’m not.”

“If you don’t mind me asking Haru, why not?”

If it were anyone else, Haru wouldn’t feel obliged to explain himself, but given that Makoto had just revealed a massive secret of his own, Haru considered his answer seriously.

“I’ve never understood the big deal about relationships. Sex. Romance. To me, none of that feels necessary. It’s too much pressure.”

“Well, I kind of know what you mean. Coming here though, it really opened my eyes to what’s out there. Back in Iwatobi I was always... afraid. Afraid of having to live a dutiful life, get married, have children. You know, the straight and narrow path. I was afraid of disappointing people. Hurting my family. My friends. Like you said, it was a lot of pressure. But I’ve met all kinds of people here in Tokyo, and now I see that life doesn’t have to be that way. I can be free, not just here, but when I go back home too. And you ca-”

“But I’m not gay, Makoto,” interrupted Haru softly.

“I’m not saying you are. I’m saying it’s okay, to live the life you want, not the life others expect of you. So if you’re really not interested, don’t listen to your teammates. You’re fine the way you are.”

Haru didn’t reply, silently reflecting on Makoto’s words.

“But Haru, in case you ever change your mind, I just hope you know that whoever you end up with will be really lucky,” said Makoto gently. “I’m sure you’ll make them incredibly happy.”

Haru looked away, face feeling a bit hot. “Hm.”

“It’s true, Haru!”

“Are you done?” asked Haru, pointing to Makoto’s empty plate.

“Huh? Oh yeah, we should get the check,” was Makoto’s reply, as he lifted his hand and searched for their waiter.

“I got it.” said Haru, putting a few bills on the table. “Let’s go.”

“Oh Haru, you don’t have to do that-”

“It’s already done, c’mon.”

Makoto sighed but thanked him anyway, and stood from his seat. Outside of the restaurant, the sun had already set and the air was chilly. The lamp posts and bright lights of the city illuminated each expelled puff of air. They walked south, to the train station that accommodated both of their routes but in opposite directions.

“So, Haru, I just want to let you know that this might be the last time we can hang out for a while. School’s gonna get really busy again for me soon, so I really need to concentrate on my classes. I’m sure things’ll be pretty crazy for you too.”

“Yeah," Haru agreed. "I have a few matches coming up that I need to be prepared for.”

“I figured. So, this is goodbye for the time-being.” Makoto seemed sad, and Haru hardly blamed him. Even though it was necessary for the both of them to accomplish their dreams, the time they spent apart was almost comparable to having a physical impairment, like temporarily losing a limb.

They reached the station, and for a moment, the inside of Haru’s chest seemed like it was crumbling.

“See you, Haru. I had a good time today,” said Makoto.

Haru nodded in agreement. Before he realized what he was doing, he had moved in close to Makoto, encircling his waist with both arms.

Makoto seemed surprised stiff for only a second, before returning the embrace, solidly. The pressure felt good to Haru, like being underwater. It felt as good as it had last time, and Haru could see himself getting used to the sensation.

“Bye,” Haru whispered unsure if Makoto could even hear him against the strong wind that whipped around them.

They released their hold on one another, and descended down the separate staircases to their respective platforms. Haru could see Makoto across the tracks for only a moment before the train came into view, and then he was gone, taken across the vast city and away from Haru, who felt lost and found at the same time.

 

***

The season turned bitterly cold. Haru threw himself into practice with an unprecedented vigor, and while he and the team experienced improvement, it all just left him feeling fatigued and unsatisfied afterwards.

Frequently, he’d find himself waking from so-called “naps” that lasted no less than 5 hours, forgetting to have a meal, and going straight to classwork that he’d been putting off.

Procrastination was new to Haru, as he was typically on top of his grades and homework, but the frigidity of winter combined with his nearly overwhelming training regimen was enough to make him quite fond of his futon.

Oftentimes, he wondered if Makoto was feeling the pressure as well, and if he might like to escape it with him for a little while, but would always push the notion out of his head. He didn’t want to ruin his friend’s focus, especially when he was working so hard, but he had to admit that he felt a bit lonesome despite living in a city inhabited by 13 million people.

On a particularly crisp Friday in late November, Haru’s coach posted a notice to the locker room door. He had cancelled their practice session due to the fact that he’d contracted the flu - leaving Haru and his teammates sympathetic but secretly delighted.

While they made plans to go out and kick off the weekend, Haru left campus before knowing whether or not he would’ve been invited.

Once home, he crawled into his futon and pulled the covers up, closing his eyes and waiting for sleep to come as it naturally did.

He waited.

And waited.

The excess energy he usually burned through swimming was still present, making sleep impossible.

Sighing, Haru threw off the blankets and took note of the time. It was still early afternoon, and he supposed he could get started on some assignments. He brewed himself a a cup of tea and got to work, diligently scribbling down answers that came to him easier than he expected.

Within an hour, he’d accomplished more than what he’d set out to do and found that for once, he was ahead of the syllabus.

Stretching out from his hunched position, he looked around his apartment and noted it could do with a bit of tidying up. He started by sweeping and mopping the floors, and afterwards, moving on to the kitchen, scrubbing the counter tops and cleaning out the refrigerator. He took out the trash, wiped the windows, and organized the books on his coffee table. When he felt satisfied by his work, he rewarded himself with grilled mackerel, miso soup, and a side of rice with seaweed mixed in.

With a hearty dinner out of the way, Haruka checked the clock again. Only three hours had passed, and he was still wide awake. Maybe he’d made a mistake by not going out with his teammates. The night was still young and he’d exhausted every possible productive outlet.

He’d reminded himself of Rei, who would frequently complain about Nagisa’s saying, “Why do today, what you can do tomorrow?”

_“That’s not how the saying goes, Nagisa-kun! It’s ‘Why do tomorrow what you can do today!”_

_“Eh, Rei-chan, that doesn’t make sense!”_

Haru smiled with nostalgia, and wished there was a way he could check in on them. He could call, but knowing Nagisa, he’d be roped into a one-sided conversation that would last him well into the midnight hours. And he was pretty sure a conversation with Rei would turn awkward very fast.

An idea came to him then. He remembered that Nagisa had made an account for him on some social media website that allowed people to look into other people’s lives without having to interact with them. Haru had refused, initially, thinking the concept too intrusive and bizarre, but now wondered if the person who had created such a thing was just lonely.

He rummaged around the living room for his laptop, finding it underneath the couch. He settled the device into his lap and brushed away the dust that had gathered on top. It was an older model and took a while to boot up, but within minutes he had reached the website. He had a moment of mild panic when he realized that he didn’t remember his log in information, before realizing that the browser had stored his password. He exhaled in relief, marveling in the wonders of technology.

The first post was from Nagisa. It was a picture of a strawberry-laden dessert with an endorsing caption below and an overabundance of heart emojis.

The second post was also from Nagisa.

And so were the third and fourth.

It was no wonder Nagisa never got anything done, Haru realized. Most of his time was spent updating his profile.

Finally, he came to a post from Rei, whose username he’d recognized from being tagged in so many of Nagisa’s posts. Rei wrote with noticeably better grammar and a distinct lack of emojis.

The post was the cover of a book and what seemed to be a direct quote written below, followed by Rei’s own mini-review, praising the author for his forward-thinking and enlightening ideas. It didn’t seem like the type of book Haru would be interested in, but he was glad to see that Rei was still soaking up knowledge like a sponge.

Haru scrolled on, stopping short when he saw Makoto’s eyes staring back at him. It was so strange to see Makoto’s face through a screen instead of in person that he almost shut the laptop in embarrassment. It felt too much like spying all of a sudden, and he felt strangely guilty.

Realizing that he was being ridiculous, and that Makoto had willingly posted that picture the internet, Haru took a good look at the photo. The photographer was talented, and Haru knew instantly that Makoto hadn’t been the one to take the picture of himself.

Makoto’s pictures were usually out of focus and the subject was often out of frame. He didn’t really have a good eye for that sort of thing, but Haru was hardly about to complain about the aesthetics of cat pictures.

In the picture, Makoto was smiling gently, eyes relaxed and open. The sunlight hit his cheekbone, making the skin there look glowy and wet. It was an attractive photo, Haru thought, from a purely objective standpoint.

Others seemed to think so as well. As of yesterday when it was posted, it had garnered over 100 likes and 53 comments. Haru considered liking it as well, but then remembered that the whole point of this exercise was keep his online presence covert.

Out of curiosity, he clicked to open the comments tab. He recognized almost none of the names, but assumed they were friends and acquaintances from Makoto’s university. There was a pretty even ratio of men to women expressing appreciation for the picture, and while Haru was pleased to see Makoto getting the recognition he deserved, a part of him was upset that over a hundred people had seen it before he had. He made a mental note to check the site more often.

Taking one last look, Haru scrolled on, and found himself staring at a shirtless Rin, whose right arm was curled to display his bicep, which was, admittedly, quite sizeable. He’d bulked up noticeably since Haru had seen him last, and suddenly Haru felt a bit insecure about the fact that he hadn’t trained in more than 24 hours.

Well, what Rin didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, and better yet, it would save Haru a lecture from Rin’s competitive ego.

The picture was even more popular than Makoto’s, boasting nearly 500 likes and and a substantial amount of comments that either consisted of random key-smashing or sexually charged innuendo

A lot of the comments were also in English, but even Haru’s limited fluency was enough to gather that these people wanted Rin.

Haru rolled his eyes. It wasn’t hard to imagine that Rin was probably loving the attention, grinning widely through his razor-sharp teeth.

It made him wonder though, if Rin was taking anyone up on their propositions.

Rin certainly had the persona and disposition of the cool, playboy type. That is, when he wasn’t crying over something sentimental. Out of everyone in their friend group, Haru was sure Rin was the one with the most expertise in sex. It was strange to think of his childhood friend in such a way, but given the evidence, it just made the most sense.

Still, seeing the proof unsettled him. He knew it wasn’t jealousy. Rin was attractive, of course, but in a dangerous way that Haru was unable to feel truly comfortable around. Any interaction with Rin was not without an invisible tension that stretched between them, and Haru didn’t like feeling as though he were leashed.

So, jealousy ruled out, Haru tried to figure out what the stomach clenching sensation was, and came to the conclusion that he felt insecure. It was becoming an all-too-familiar state for him.

The insecurity lay in himself, and again he wondered if he was missing out an important aspect of life, and if he was just too cowardly to accept it.

Was Rin experiencing life the way it was meant to be, exploring relationships, creating intimacy, having sex? Was he being left behind while Rin made his way to the forefront the world, making an impact, while Haru remained unseen in the shadows?

Haru realized he was overreacting to a selfie that was probably just meant to titillate Rin’s followers, but the implications had left him reeling. Suddenly, he had the urge to delve deeper into Rin’s personal life.

Finding the mail icon, Haru constructed a hasty message that, in hindsight, he probably should’ve refrained from sending.

_Are you having sex?_

The regret was instantaneous, but Haru stared at his screen, waiting for a reply. It wasn’t immediate, and Haru almost logged out as his anxiety intensified. Then, a chime indicated that Rin had written back.

_Who tf is this_

Haru blinked at the screen, before remembering that his username was just misomackerel06. He had never uploaded any pictures of himself that would serve to identify him.

_It’s Haru_ , he typed. _Nanase Haru_.

_the fuck it is_

Haru frowned at the response. Before he could type a reply, his cellphone rang obnoxiously from his jacket pocket, startling him. He hadn’t noticed, but it had become pitch black in his apartment. The only source of light was emanating from the screen of his laptop.

Fishing the phone out of his pocket, Haru checked the display.

Matsuoka Rin

With a reasonable amount of trepidation, Haru answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Haru,” greeted Rin. “Sorry to bother you so late, but I just wanted to let you know that someone is impersonating you online.”

Haru sighed.

“It’s not an imposter, Rin, it’s really me.”

“Wait, wait, wait - that’s really you?” Rin snickered. ”What the hell, Haru? What are you, my mother? Why are you bothering me about my sex life?”

Haru scowled. “Will you answer the question or not?”

“My God, can you chill out? I haven’t talked to you in months, and here you are, asking that kind of question out of the blue. Give me a second to catch my breath here!“

Haru tightened his grip on the phone but remained silent as Rin continued.

“Anyway, what’s the sudden interest? I always thought that kind of stuff was the last thing on your mind.”

If this were a couple of weeks ago, Rin would’ve been absolutely right.

“Did something happen with Makoto?” Rin asked, when Haru didn’t volunteer any information.

“What? No, we’re-” said Haru, fumbling. “We’re fine.” He paused, suddenly remembering something.

“You didn’t tell me that Makoto’s gay,” he added.

“Oh, so he told you, huh? Well, it wasn’t really my secret to tell, you know. And aren’t you glad you heard it from him and not someone else?”

He acknowledged Rin’s point. If someone else had outed Makoto, he couldn’t even imagine what kind thoughts would’ve gone through his head.

“Does it bother you?” asked Rin.

“No,” said Haru, coolly. “I’m fine with it.”

Rin snickered in way that made Haru feel like he was missing out on a joke.

“Really,” said Rin, but it wasn’t a question. “So if Makoto got a boyfriend... say, tomorrow, for example - you’d be 100 percent okay with it?”

“...Yes,” said Haru, less confidently.

“So, you’d understand if he started ditching you to hang out with his boyfriend?”

“Makoto wouldn’t do that,” argued Haru.

“You don’t know that, Haru. You won’t always be Makoto’s number one priority, okay? He’s going to see what’s out there. Maybe he’ll fall in love. People change once they start getting laid.”

“Yeah, apparently. They turn into assholes like you,” said Haru, disliking the direction of this conversation.

“I’m not trying to be an asshole, Haru!” said Rin, close to yelling. “I’m just trying to make you realize-“ he cut himself off and groaned. “God, forget it!

“Realize what, Rin?” challenged Haru.

He heard Rin sigh heavily. “You take Makoto for granted, you know that, right?”

Haru was stunned. “Did he say that?”

“It doesn’t need to be said! It’s obvious - all these years he’s stayed by your side, like a freakin’ puppy, and the second he tries to do something on his own, you follow him to Tokyo because you can’t be without your safety blanket!”

“I didn’t come to Tokyo for _him_ -“

“Oh, don’t bullshit me, Haru!”

Haru was enraged. “You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, voice low and sounding dangerous to even his own ears.

It didn’t faze Rin.

“We’re adults now, Haru. He’s not going to be satisfied by scraps of gratitude and hints of reciprocity anymore!”

He had no idea where any of this was coming from, or why Rin was taking this conversation so personally, but as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t bring himself to hang up. Even if Rin was being unnecessarily harsh, there was truth in what he said. He just hated hearing it.

“You need to realize what you want, is what I’m saying. So do it before you lose him,” finished Rin.

Haru contemplated this. What did he want? Could he really lose Makoto to someone else? If Makoto wasn’t there, then-

He couldn’t finish the thought.

After a long minute, Rin spoke again.

“Sorry,” he said quietly.

Dazed by the abrupt mood whiplash, Haru quickly accepted Rin’s apology. “It’s fine,” he murmured, remembering that Rin was often prone to dramatics.

Rin made a frustrated noise. “No, it’s not. I’m sorry, Haru, really. You didn’t deserve that. I’m just projecting my own shit again, like always.“

“Is everything okay?” asked Haru, concerned.

“It’s... dumb. But just believe me when I say people really do change once they have sex.”

“So you have had sex?”

“Just the once,” admitted Rin with a sigh. “It was a ‘so I guess this is goodbye’ kinda thing. I happened before I left Japan. It was probably a mistake. I don’t know what I expected. A lot of things changed. Just not in the way I thought they would.”

“Who was it with?” asked Haru, knowing that he might be crossing a line, and curious to see if Rin would allow it.

Rin just scoffed. “You sure are nosy tonight.”

“Sorry.”

“Mmn. Listen, Haru, it’s late. I’ve gotta be up early to get some laps in before the place becomes a circus. Just don’t forget what I said, okay?”

“Yeah,” said Haru, realizing that it was past midnight. It was one of the longest phone conversations he’d ever had with anyone, even counting Makoto in that tally.

They said their goodbyes to each other and hung up. Haru been in the same position for so long that when he stood up, pins and needles stabbed relentlessly from his knees to his toes.

He drew a bath for himself and sat in the water until it was cold enough to become uncomfortable, all the while replaying Rin’s words in his head.

_“Before you lose him.”_

_“You take him for granted.”_

_“Security blanket.”_

_“Realize what you want.”_

Above all, he wanted Makoto to be happy. But did it really have to be at the cost of their friendship? The thought of Makoto replacing Haru with someone else left a burning sensation in his chest. A part of him knew what Rin was trying to tell him, but acknowledging it meant everything might change.

Haru’s fear of change had never been more frustrating.

Angry at himself, and somewhat resentful of Rin, Haru climbed out of the bath, letting the water drain. It was well into the night, and at long last, Haru felt tired enough to try sleeping again.

As he waited for slumber, he thought of Makoto, and how the sunlight rest so easily on his skin. In the dark of his room, Haru wondered if maybe, he could satisfy Makoto in a ...less platonic way. The thought was enough to cause a bloodrush to his face.

If he was honest with himself, aspects of their relationship were already verging on romantic. Making plans to see each other, staying the night at the other’s place, cooking for each other, or really, Haru cooking for Makoto - each of these things seemed to bring both of them joy. It was only to be expected, after knowing each other so well.

Haru remembered how it felt to be embraced by Makoto, the last time they’d seen each other. It had felt good. Comfortable even, like relaxing in a bath. Warm, safe.

Would kissing feel like that?

Would sex?

Would Makoto even be interesting in having that kind of relationship with him?

Haru’s questions were endless.

In the end, sleep escaped him yet again. He rose from his futon in a terrible mood, and went for a run as the sun peeked through the skyscrapers, making itself known.

***

The days following were comparable to Hell, if Hell had just frozen over. Not only had the weather become even harsher, Haru’s times began to suffer. His coach, having just recovered from his own illness, was initially concerned about Haruka, thinking he might be sick. However, when it seemed like Haru was just in a slump, worry turned into frustration, which led to Haru being put on blast in front of the rest of the team.

“Nanase, so help me, if you don’t wake up _right now_ , I’ll make you run a laps around the entire fucking Ueno zoo-”

“Damn, coach,” said even Nakagawa.

Haru couldn’t continue on like this. He was already treading on thin ice, and it was bound to crack if Haru wasn’t able to address the issue wreaking havoc across his thoughts. Makoto had been on his mind now more than ever, and the longer he was unable to see him, the worse he felt.

Watching Haru struggle put the team’s morale into a tailspin. As one of their best swimmers, Haru was admired, even if he wasn’t necessarily approachable. Seeing his performance take a steep dip was cause for gossip and pity began to manifest within the team. He could feel eyes on him in the locker room as he changed, and heard whispers behind his back as he left.

He needed this to stop, lest he start to develop negative associations with swimming. The last thing he wanted was to feel like he couldn’t even be accepted by the water.

He had to talk to Makoto. But first, he needed to talk to Rin again.

Back at his apartment, Haru shucked off his heavy winter coat and sweatpants, opting for warm pajamas. He turned up the heat as much as his wallet could currently afford, and settled on the couch with his laptop.

He’d gotten an ear-full from his mother after seeing an exorbitant long distance charge on the phone bill, so he figured out how to use facetime in order to avoid costs.

With a few clicks, the call went through and Haru waited for an answer.

A window opened on the screen, and suddenly Haru was face-to-face with Rin, who had an eyebrow raised in bemusement. In the background, Haru could see a neatly made-up bed and window shrouded by red drapery. He assumed it was Rin’s apartment.

Again, Haru noticed how much muscle Rin had put on since the last time he’s seen him. Haru too, had noticed his own body changing substantially with all the exercise he’d been getting recently, and wondered if he looked different to Rin.

“Holy shit, Haru, you look terrible,” said Rin, by way of greeting.

Haru’s hopes deflated.

“I mean, just your face does! Wait, wait, no, that’s not what I mean-”

“Stop talking, Rin.”

“Just - are you okay? You look like you haven’t slept in years.”

Haru sighed. “When we talked the other day - what you said. You were right.”

“Of course I was right,” agreed Rin readily. “What was I right about, again?”

Haru frowned. “About Makoto. And me.” He paused, taking a breath. What he was about to admit was difficult to say. “I would have a problem if... if he fell in love with someone else.”

“Only if it was a guy?”

“No, if it was anyone.”

“And why’s that?” prompted Rin.

“Because I...” Haru trailed off. His face, neck and ears were on fire. Maybe he’d turned up the heat too high. He just wanted to take a cold bath.

“You have to say it, Haru.”

Looking away from the screen, Haru mumbled something.

“What did you say? I couldn’t hear you.”

Another, slightly louder mumble.

“Haru, goddamnit, I still can’t hea-”

“I like Makoto, okay?” Haru blurted out, intelligibly this time.

“You _‘like_ ’ him?” said Rin incredulously, putting up finger-quotes. Haru wanted to die.

“More than like,” he settled on.

Rin did not settle.

“Just say lo-”

“Fine!” shouted Haru at the computer, feeling the most foolish he’d ever had. “I love him!” he exclaimed, heart pounding as fast as it did when he swam for an official match. It was as exhilarating as it was terrifying.

He’d said the words, and after a moment, he found that he didn’t want to take them back, not even slightly.

“Fucking finally,” sighed Rin, rolling his eyes. “Now that that’s out of the way, why are you telling me? Go tell him.”

“I can’t just-”

“You can,” said Rin, cutting him off aggressively.

“But what if-”

“Haru, listen to me. When I called you the other night it brought up a lot of stuff that I didn’t even know I was holding on to. It made me realize that life doesn’t wait for us to play catch up, and if we want something, we have to go after it when we’re given the opportunity - otherwise, you’re gonna miss your shot. Isn’t that why we swim, Haru? Because we can, while we’re young and healthy and free. To be with the person we love - we have that chance now,” he punctuated this by hitting his fist to his palm. “We might not have it later. You can’t let it slip by.”

As Haru contemplated Rin’s words, Rin seemed to realize that he’d been monologuing. “So yeah,” he finished weakly, face suddenly pinkish in hue. “You should tell him.”

Haru was actually pretty impressed by the passion behind Rin’s speech, but he still wasn’t fully convinced. He just wished he had more confidence that Rin’s advice was solid. He could be completely jeopardizing his longest-lasting friendship because of Rin’s idealism.

“Rin, have you tried following your own advice?” Haru asked, remembering that Rin’s situation had also been left in a state of limbo.

Rin seemed to be expecting the question. For a moment, he seemed to hesitate, but then steeled himself.

“As a matter of fact...” started Rin, adjusting the view of his surroundings. In a chair that was previously out of frame, sat a tall, hulking figure. Haru recognized him immediately.

“Yo, Nanase,” came the gruff greeting, accompanied by a thrown up ‘peace’ sign.

“...Yamazaki.” It was all Haru could manage to say, his other faculties having gone completely haywire.

Sousuke was in Sydney, Australia, with Rin. Right now. Sousuke was the person Rin had-

The camera shifted back to Rin.

“Believe it or not, Haru, our talk that night inspired me. Or maybe I just inspired myself, I don’t know. But it made me refocus on what’s important to me. The next day I woke up with the courage to pick up the phone and give Sousuke a piece of my mind. We talked, and now he’s here. I mean, he’s just visiting, but still. It was so much easier than I thought it would be. Every fear or insecurity I had - it was all just in my head.”

“I’m happy for you, Rin,” said Haru truthfully.

“And I want to be happy for you. So talk to Makoto.”

Rin had given him a lot to process, but hearing how things had worked out had helped Haru gain a feeling of reassurance. Still, there were no guarantees, and Haru was risking a life-long relationship based on one positive outcome.

With so much to consider, Haru felt the most exhausted he had in days. Suppressing a yawn, his rubbed at his eyes which were itchy and dry.

Rin seemed to gather that Haru was on the verge of shutting down. “Well, get some sleep first. We’ll talk later.”

Haru’s appreciation for Rin was at an all-time high, and he wasn’t sure how to express the gratitude he felt towards his friend. Rin had been an invaluable part of this journey, after all.

If swimming didn’t work out, Rin could certainly succeed as a life-coach.

“Rin... thank you,” he said, hoping that it was enough.

“Don’t mention it,” said Rin, sounding a little embarrassed. “Bye, Haru.”

The call disconnected.

Haru put his computer away and got ready for bed, skipping his usual bath. It was still pretty early in the evening, but Haru had a feeling that even if went to sleep now, he’d have no trouble staying asleep throughout the night, tired as he was.

With the last dredges of energy he had left, he composed a short text addressed to Makoto.

_Let’s meet soon, if you have time._

He slipped into slumber before he was able to receive the reply.

The next morning he rose refreshed and with a clear head. Light spilled in the from the window, and the apartment wasn’t as chilly as it normally was in the morning. Grabbing his phone from the table, Haru realized it was nearly noon. He’d missed his morning class, but couldn’t bring himself to care. He had a message waiting from Makoto.

_Hey Haru, it’s so good to hear from you! Actually, I’ve been wanting to see you too. I’m almost done with exams! :) Is this weekend okay?_

Even though no one was around, Haru hid his smile behind his fingers.

_This weekend works. See you then._

***

With the prospect of seeing Makoto lingering on the horizon, Haru’s mood had elevated drastically. The performance he’d shown earlier in the week was blown out of the literal water. His stroke was fluid, and his times were close to his best. His body moved like a well-oiled machine, impressing not only his coach, but the rest of the team.

“Nanase’s back!” cheered Mizuno after practice.

“About time,” said Nakagawa, slapping him playfully on the back. It might’ve stung a bit more than what was normal, compounded by the fact that Haru was soaking wet, but he found that he didn’t mind.

The week flew by, and before Haru knew it, Saturday evening had come. Makoto had agreed to come by Haru’s apartment, and while Haru felt somewhat guilty for making him traverse the city, it was the best spot for Haru to enact his plan.

Well, It wasn’t really a plan, exactly, but rather a series of steps to ensure that Makoto felt as relaxed and comfortable as possible in order to prepare for what Haru had to tell him.

Haru was in the kitchen when the buzzer announced Makoto’s presence. He was putting the last touches on one of Makoto’s favorite dishes, green curry chicken. He already had dessert in the oven, making the apartment smell sweet and inviting.

An odd nervousness made itself known in Haru’s gut as he went to the entrance to open the door. He’d experienced butterflies in his stomach before, but this felt more like bees humming around a hive. His blood seemed to be thrumming with excitement and anticipation.

As pulled the door’s handle inwards, Makoto was in the process of pushing it open, causing him to stumble through the threshold awkwardly. Suddenly, they were very close.

Haru could feel the cold coming in from outside, but also the warmth emanating from Makoto. He couldn’t decide which was stronger. He was disappointed when Makoto righted himself and stepped back, laughing at himself.

“Sorry Haru, I guess that’s what I get for just letting myself in.”

“It’s fine. I left the door open for you, didn’t I?”

Seeming to remember that it was still open, Makoto closed the door behind him. “Ahh, it’s so warm in here. And it smells so good! Haru, are you making chocolate?”

“I made cookies,” Haru confirmed. “But you can’t have them until after you eat dinner.”

“As expected of Haru,” said Makoto, smiling.

“Take your coat off. Those are for you,” he said, pointing at a pair of new and warm-looking house slippers near the entryway.

“Wow, can I really have them?”

“I said so, right?”

“Haru’s really spoiling me today.”

Haru flushed.

“I’m just being a good host,” he said, retreating to the kitchen to check on the cookies and letting Makoto slip into his new footwear.

They reconvened by the coffee table, Haru setting out two full bowls of food and two sets of chopsticks. Makoto was eyeing his dish appreciatively, which pleased Haru inwardly, who was uncharacteristically worried about the taste. He wanted everything to go perfectly, after all, but so far, things seemed to be off to a good start.

Breaking his chopsticks down the middle, Makoto said his usual thanks for the food, complimenting Haru on everything down to fragrance and presentation. “You could really work for a restaurant, Haru-chan.”

“I’d rather swim,” replied Haru. “And drop the -chan,” he added, without bite.

Makoto just laughed and dug into his meal, making small noises of enjoyment as he ate. Haru hid a small smile behind his cup of tea. While they ate, Haru informed Makoto of his progress during practice, while Makoto reported good scores on all of his finals.

When they were done, Haru cleared the plates and tossed the disposable chopsticks in the trash. “Let me know when you’re ready for dessert,” called Haru from the kitchen.

“I’m ready!” exclaimed Makoto immediately from the living room. Haru smiled again, thankful Makoto couldn’t see it from the other room.

He brought out the cookies, along with two mugs of milk. Makoto was searching for something in the backpack he’d brought. Haru noticed he had a change of clothes inside, along with some toiletries. He hadn’t planned for Makoto to spend the night, and abruptly his heart started to race. What if things went in ....that direction? He felt unprepared.

“Ah-hah, found it,” said Makoto, pulling out a DVD case. “Haru, do you mind if we watch this? All of my classmates have seen it and I kind of feel left out,” handing over the movie for Haru to examine.

“It’s in English,” said Haru, mentally translating the title. _The Shape of Water_.

The cover was almost frightening, and he was a little surprised Makoto was interested in watching a horror movie.

“Don’t worry, it has subtitles. And I know what you’re thinking, but no, it’s not a scary movie. At least that’s what my friend said. Apparently, it’s supposed to be weirdly romantic. And there’s a lot of water in it.”

Well, Haru was sold.

After arranging the futon comfortably, the two of them settled in close to start the movie. A few scenes in, Haru was beginning to realize it contained some very... adult subject matter.

Watching the main character pleasure herself in the bathtub with Makoto was very strange. For the most part, the movies he’d seen with Makoto were either animated or aimed towards a younger audience. Although the scene was over relatively quickly, he wondered if Makoto was uncomfortable watching it with him. Sitting side-by-side with his friend, Haru found he was more interested in Makoto’s reactions than the movie itself. If Makoto felt himself being watched, he didn’t address it, keeping his eyes fixed on the screen.

About half-way into the film, there was a scene so beautifully rendered that even Haru was captivated by it.

The main character, so taken by the amphibian man, intentionally floods her bathroom from floor to ceiling so that she is able to make love to him. While Haru wondered if such a thing would even be remotely plausible, Makoto sighed wistfully.

Haru whipped his head to the side to stare at Makoto. Makoto looked back at him apologetically.

“Sorry,” he said. “It’s just - it is kind of romantic, isn’t it?”

Haru realized that this might be his chance. His stomach clenched hard. He was terrified.

“Do you remember that night when he snuck into the Iwatobi SC by ourselves,” he started, hoping that Makoto would recall the night he spoke of. “And we swam together for hours. And you said-”

“I remember, Haru,” said Makoto, cutting him off. His cheeks were pink. “That was one of the best nights of my life,” he finished quietly.

“Mine too,” Haru agreed, equally as softly. “This,” he said, gesturing at the screen, where the movie continued to play, “isn’t nearly half as romantic as that was.”

Makoto’s eyes widened, clearly not expecting that.

Haru hoped he was saying the right thing. “Sorry it took me until now to realize that.”

“I... Haru, I-”

“I love you too, Makoto,” said Haru, looking up at his friend, knowing that his words were long overdue, and hoping still that Makoto would accept them regardless.

His whole body felt like it was on fire. His heating system really needed to be fixed.

The tips of Makoto’s ears were stained red. “Oh, Haru,” whispered Makoto, emerald eyes, glistening with moisture. He took Haru’s hands in his own, squeezing them like he had that night at the pool, right before he’d brought them both back up to the surface.

He pulled Haru towards himself very gently, making it easy for Haru to break away if he wanted to. It was unnecessary, but Haru appreciated the sentiment.

Once again, Haru found himself in Makoto’s embrace, finding it as relaxing and pleasant as the last time. The intense heat he’d felt before had subsided, leaving behind a cozy warmth that radiated from between their bodies. Haru was practically laying on top of Makoto now, he realized. As content as he was, he wasn’t sure if it was the most comfortable position for his friend. Before he could move to get up, Makoto placed a hand behind his neck, fingers running through the hair there. It felt nice, and Haru wondered of this was why the neighborhood cats back in Iwatobi were such big fans of Makoto.

“You don’t know how happy you’ve made me today, Haru,” he said, tracing the shell of Haru’s ear. It tickled immensely, but Haru hoped it would never end. “When we saw each other for the last time - I really didn’t want to leave you,” he laughed, and Haru could feel it come through his chest. “I was kind of miserable for while. I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to leave you again after this.”

Haru looked at Makoto, their eyes meeting in a mutual question.

_Can I kiss you?_

Haru inched forward incrementally, tilting his head so that their noses wouldn’t bump. Haru didn’t know what he’d been expecting, but kissing Makoto felt just like skin brushing against skin. Makoto’s lips were warm and soft and a bit wet, which was nice, but Haru knew that there had to be more to it than just that. Experimentally, he opened his mouth. He tasted only a hint of chocolate before Makoto pulled back suddenly, and Haru feared he’d done something wrong.

“Are you sure this okay, Haru?” asked Makoto. “Neither of us really know what we’re doing,” he said, sitting up, which forced Haru to sit up as well.

Even though Haru had assumed as much, he was still relieved to hear that, in regards to physical intimacy, Makoto was just as innocent as he was.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked anyway, to be sure.

“No, Haru, it was great!” He took Haru’s hand reassuringly. “Really. It’s just, that was actually my first kiss.”

Haru hadn’t even thought about it, but statement applied to him as well.

“Would you mind if... if we just took things slow? Just for a little while,” asked Makoto, shyly.

Haru couldn’t believe what he was hearing. The entire time he’d been so concerned about the idea of sex, he’d never taken into account how apprehensive Makoto might be feeling about it.

“So it’s fine if we don’t...” he trailed off, not sure how to finish the question.

“Of course, Haru - we don’t have do anything we’re not ready for.”

“What if - what if I’m never ready, Makoto?” he asked, looking for the truth in Makoto’s eyes. Makoto smiled at him gently.

“To be honest, Haru, even getting to this conversation is... a dream I never even thought to entertain. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy,” he said, squeezing Haru’s hand. “If all you ever want to do is hold hands, I’d be delighted to do even that.”

Haru wondered if that would really be alright. Sure, Makoto might be satisfied with their relationship now, but would he start getting impatient with Haru once things progressed? Would he expect more, demand more, seek it elsewhere?

When he really thought about it though, his mind came to an easy answer: Makoto was Makoto. Makoto was kind, understanding, selfless. If Makoto had loved him since they were 12 and oblivious to sex, why should that change now that they were nearly 20?

He wasn’t sure that the future had in store. Maybe Haru would be open to having sex one day. Maybe he would try it and even enjoy it, or grow to look forward to it. Maybe he would try it and hate it. Maybe he’d just never try it at all. He was sure though, that Makoto would be there at every turn and at every new discovery.

Overwhelmed with relief, Haru brought their mouths together again, in a kiss that was chaste but full of feeling. He felt Makoto smile against his lips.

Vaguely, Haru realized that they left the movie playing in the background. It seemed to have just reached its climax - the villain had been defeated. A gentle melody played as the narrator disclosed the fates the main character and her amphibian lover. Haru wasn’t surprised to learn that they’d managed to have a happy ending after all.

Makoto sighed next to him. “I think we missed a few things,” he said mournfully.

“We can rewind it,” suggested Haru.

“Well, now that we know they end up together, it kind of spoils the fun,” said Makoto, picking up the plate that once held their cookies. Haru turned off the television, realizing that it was getting close to midnight.

“Did you really have any doubts?” Haru asked, seizing the plate from him and grabbing the mugs as well for good measure.

Makoto laughed softly. “I guess not,” he agreed.

Haru washed the dishes as Makoto changed into his pajamas. Together, they made up the futon with spare pillows and blankets. It was a large enough mattress to share, and so they did.

He thought he might nervous about the situation, but Haru found that the anxiety he’d experienced earlier was nowhere to be found, gone as if it had never existed. With joined hands between them, they both slept deeply through the night.

***

The next morning, the two of them invited Rin to a shared facetime session at Haru’s request. He wanted Rin to know that he’d taken his advice to heart, and that it had paid off.

Rin congratulated them, happy to hear the news, but for a reason beside the obvious.

“Oh, thank God,” said Rin. “Now Haru can stop asking me all these weird questions,” he complained.

Makoto whipped his head sideways to stare at Haru. “What kinds of weird questions?”

Haru cleared his throat evasively. “Rin, don’t you have company over? We should probably let you go,” he suggested.

Rin snorted. “Yeah, yeah,” he said, waving a hand dismissively, “I’ll tell you all about it later, Mako-”

Haru shut the laptop.

“Haru!” said Makoto disapprovingly. Haru gave him a guiless look.

“He’ll get over it.”

Makoto, unable to play mad for long, grinned and leaned over to give Haru a kiss on the cheek.

Playfully, he asked, “What am I going to do with you, Haru-chan?”

“Kiss me again,” answered Haru.

Makoto happily obliged.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Since this was written for a gift exchange, this work hasn't been beta'ed. (Also I rushed to meet the deadline, oops!) If you notice any glaring errors or inconsistencies, please let me know! 
> 
> If you're as excited for S3 as I am, follow me on tumblr @togetherintokyo so we can scream about it together!


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